Concrete Leaves

How does he get from “let’s do something for real this week”, calls on Wednesday for Saturday, adds “I’ll call you Friday” with the details, to no call Friday and no show Saturday punctuated by a lameass text sorry about tonight, I fell asleep? When the Friday call didn’t come, I already knew Saturday was off and made alternate plans. I couldn’t decide if I should even contact him to ask what happened. I did. I wanted to know. He concluded his pitiful text asking if I’d had dinner? Really? You expected me to not only be available (of course I’m home waiting and pining for your call) but to still meet you last minute? Do enough girls agree to this guys actually thinks it’s acceptable?

My pasty out of shape neighbor bought a new leaf blower. He’s clearly not mechanical because he kind of blows the leaves around the yard leaving patches of exposed grass with few leaves actually making it to the street. He had the balls to stand on our property line and blow his leaves into my raked yard. While I watched him do it. You did not just do that. What the hell is the matter with people? You know I’m waiting until he goes to work tomorrow and raking those leaves right back onto his lawn. Asshole. This is how the whole Hatfields and McCoys dispute started. With a leaf blower and some dickishness.

A friend of mine is in the middle of a divorce. She left him stating she didn’t love him anymore. She promptly moved back in with an ex then commenced weeping and pleading she doesn’t have any money and can my friend give her his second car, the rings and pay for her overdue electric bill? Are you fucking kidding me? For a chick, that’s quite a set she’s got there. Steal crafted.

I’m no wallflower. When my marriage began to unravel, I tried to discuss the circumstances with my husband and unearth a solution. When that didn’t happen, I spent a month setting myself up before I told him I was done.  I opened a checking account and moved money into it, took his name off certain accounts, moved valuables to my parents’ house. I’m a reasonable person. Until it’s time not to be. You screw with me, I’ll do what I have to. He got served on Devil’s Night. That’s my favorite part of the story. Pure poetry. He was genuinely stunned appearing to have no reference for this action. Where the hell have you been? Did you think that conversation wherein I mentioned I was considering a divorce an empty threat? You underestimated me. Most do. Until they wake up one morning and their leaves are mysteriously back on their lawn.