Ride

Knight to Queen 3. I can see the pieces moving. I am unable to detect any strategy. All I have is a feeling. A sense that the sun is coming up and the night is receding, but what that light will reveal is a mystery. I’m terribly willful. It’s a gift. Until it’s not. I had been pushing hard for 2 ½ years. I tried everything. I’ve had a ridiculous number of jobs in the past 3 years. One hit, accompanied by the possibility of unprecedented growth. All right. That’s what I’m talkin’ about. Then a decision I had no contribution toward came in. Sorry. You won’t be doing that. Go somewhere else. We don’t want your business. Shit. I give. Uncle. You guys figure it out and fill me in later. I’m out. It’s in that moment my hands signal surrender things get very interesting.

My dear friend Rob and his family are moving to China for 3 years with Ford Motor. Which means, I’ll be going to China on a visit. And what the hell, while I’m all the way over there, I’ll pop in on Nepal. The last time I took a geographic chance I discovered the American Southwest. I’d been intrigued by Monument Valley and the Grand Canyon. What I found beyond the clichéd West was a spiritually potent experience. It was also one of the weakest financial periods of my life. I do enjoy fiscal responsibility. When biz is good, I get on that adult train with enthusiasm. Buy homes, make IRA contributions, lower my debt. When it dissolves, I lean into a fight. I was brought up on buck up Bucky and his bootstraps. Sometimes you just get bloody. Know when to pack it in. Save your strength for another day. It’s a retreat from the fight into the soul because there’s no where else to go.

A successful Hollywood director was interviewed on Oprah today. You could tell how cool he is through the TV. That’s some pretty strong juju. It’s not the first recount I’ve heard delivered by a person who acquired substantial materials only to realize it didn’t feed their soul the way they expected it to so they give it all up to pursue what’s in their heart. Admirable to be sure. The rub for me is they are still in a secure financial position. They made their money. They can downsize, donate funds and pursue their heart undaunted by relentless windowed envelopes. Where is the person doing this who still has to put food on the table? Things get muddier when survival is threatened. Humans are the only species that take more than we need. A giant sequoia doesn’t take all the nutrients from the ground then hoard the excess. A lion doesn’t kill all the gazelles then sell the surplus for profit. I am encouraged by the generation currently coming up. They seem much more in tune with our natural inclination toward a community of democracy and cooperation. I don’t like the more train ride and consistently pull the cord to get off. The long walk to the mailbox every day and social conditioning push me back on. I’m usually way down the track before I realize I’ve gotten back on and start the cycle all over again.

I’ve never deviated from an artistic career as stupid yet necessary as it is. I get the idea I’m an entrepreneur from time to time. Or a writer ;-) I’m a painter. The price for freedom from the cube is periods of struggle and uncertainty. The cycles of success are far less frequent than I’d like. I make the most of them when they deign to grace me for a year or two. I had a goal. Some direction. A point on a map. Turns out I have Jack Sparrow’s compass and I suddenly don’t know what I want. I’m confident the effort I’ve exerted in the past few years will amount to something. I can see the Universe laying it out. The pieces carefully spread out on the floor. I’m directed to affix bracket A to panel B with screw C. I have no idea what I’m making. Trust the instructions. All I have to do is embrace today. Tomorrow will work itself out. How? You got me. Just when I think I’ve got it down, surprise! I’m riding another rollercoaster. Look Ma, no hands!